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Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Bittersweet

Today was an emotional day for me. I didn't much talk about it, kept it to myself. Because I think maybe only a mother would understand. I could be wrong, but thats how I felt.
We had to meet the adoption worker in Sav La Mar this morning to get Dontae's passport. But since the adoption is not final as of yet his birth mother had to sign for it. Which meant, we were going to meet the mother who abandoned our little baby boy. We were wanting to meet her one day, but thought it would be after everything was final. So now all of a sudden its time to meet her. The entire cab drive there I was thinking about this woman and our baby. I was never worried that she would change her mind, but I was feeling extremely sad that her heart my just ache when she see's him. In my own life, my heart has ached for my children, so I know the terrible feeling it leaves you with, but I have never been in this womans situation. So to begin to feel the things she might feel is waying heavy on my heart. Then I was thinking that she just up and left him stuck in the hospital with no one. "Why did she do it that way"? "Did she just have to abandon him"? I want to get mad, but not one time thinking about it could I. My answer keeps coming back the same. Yes... this is how God led us to Dontae. God knew that this was the hospital that we were going to be visiting with teams. If she would of put him up for adoption, he would of been in a home somewhere else. So I am not sad the way she did it, but I am sad for how she must of felt and could still feel.
We get to the passport office and in walks our adoption man and a tall, very skinny young young woman. First thing I did after shaking her hand was to look at her hands to compare them to Dontae's. Second thing I did was to just look at her and want to just put my arms around her and tell her everything is going to be just fine. I did not realize this woman was so young. When we got outside where we could talk, she let me look at her hands closley, and I asked her if her feet were the same and she said yes. Then I asked the age question. She is 18, 19 in March. Holy cow, that meant she was pregnant at 17. Now I understand why her mother said it was to much for her to deal with she had to just leave him. I never one time thought Dontae's birth mother was a young girl. She was so shy and quite, she had the most little teeth I have ever seen and they were also rotting away. She tried at first not to really make contact with Dontae, but I tryed really hard to just keep the conversation going and telling her things in case she wanted to know but was to shy to ask. I was doing this for my own heart as well, because not knowing how she is feeling, I was feeling enough for both of us. So I then asked the question....
Would you like to hold him? She shook her head yes. They looked at each other and that is when I took the picture. Ugg! Is it bringing everything back to her? Can Dontae feel her heart strings? Can he feel they have a connection? When she was done, she got tears in her eyes and wiped them with her shirt. She then asked if she could see him from time to time. I told her of course, but I will leave it up to her. So we exchanged phone numbers, and off she went.
Now its all I can do not to just break down balling. Because all I feel is the emptyness she must be feeling as she is walking away. I will never ever forget her face when she was teary eyed. I don't think I will ever forget the sadness I feel for her. I wonder how she is feeling now after they have met again a year after she gave birth to him. Is she happy? does she feel blessed that he is being adopted and not left to and institute? Or is her heart in the pit of her stomach? Maybe one day I will be lucky enough to know the answer. There is one answer I do know though, and that is God chose Dontae for me, well Mark and me. LOL And that makes me the happy.
Here is Dontae and his birth mother together almost a year after his birth.

6 comments:

Jill B said...

Kim,
You know our daughter is adopted. We got to visit her birthmom about a year after she was born. It was a good visit. As a mom it was important for me to share how well our daughter was doing. And even though Dontae's mom was not able to mother him she did the best she could do for him. She loved him and left him in a safe place. She could have easily left him to die somewhere on the street.
Every adoption is an emotional rollercoaster. But you know that God's had is in everything.

Anonymous said...

Thanks very much for sharing!!! Great pics & obviously God wanted you to meet her. Love, Me

Kathy Robson said...

I can identify what you are expressing to much of what my daughter has also shared with me. Thanks.

Dyona said...

Thanks for sharing. Brought tears to my eyes. How precious for her to be able to see him though and know that he will be loved beyond belief. A mother's dream. Love ya!

julie said...

Beautiful Kim. My heart is touched. I can feel all that you described.

Julianna Kindlund-Carpenter said...

Kim my husband and I have adopted 8 children and are in the process we hope of adopting one more now a 16 yr old girl. My heart goes out to you and Dontae's very young mom. Kristiana and Mike the first two children we adopted at ages 1 & 2 never got to see their mom one more time nor did they have a picture of her and she too was very young. After years of searching we found her last year when they were 12 & 13. It truly meant the world to them just to see a picture of her. She was not ready to talk to them yet but sending them a picture really helped them feel whole. What you and Mark are doing in Jamaica is a truly beautiful and Amazing thing, I am so proud of you. My husband and I always felt God was beside us in our journey and out of 72 foster children he chose the ones we got to keep and they always turned out to be just the right ones! As I am sure Dontae is just the right one for you two. He is so very lucky and blessed to have you in his life.